Pregnancy loss — practical help and support
After pregnancy loss you will probably find there are some difficult days ahead, and you may need some practical help and support about hospital procedures, funeral arrangements and going home.
In hospital
Losing a pēpi can bring an overwhelming amount of grief, and the emotional weight can be immense. It is common to feel the loss not just of your child but also the dreams and plans you had for them. You may also feel a loss of self-confidence or control.
Support from whānau and friends is important and is welcome in the hospital. We encourage you to surround yourself with the people you need.
Your pēpi
A name
Your pēpi is a person and deserves a name. A traditional Māori belief is that a pēpi always belongs and is connected through whakapapa links to their ancestors by being given a name.
If you do not wish to give your baby a name, they can simply be registered as “Baby of [your Name]"
Mementos
You may find it easier to grieve and recover if you can keep and handle some reminders of your pēpi. Mementos can include:
- photographs
- foot and handprints
- a name card from the cot
- a name bracelet
- a birth certificate once registered with Births, Deaths and Marriages.
You may also wish to take your placenta home to bury. Feel free to ask your midwife, nurse or social worker to help you gather some of these things.
Seeing and holding your pēpi
You have the choice whether or not to see your pēpi. If you are unsure, talk with your midwife, family member or nurse.
You will be given privacy and as much time as you want. You are welcome to hold a ceremony to mark their birth or death. There are rooms within hospitals for ceremonies such as this and a chaplain may be available — or you can call on your own religious leader.
Postmortem
A postmortem is an operation to examine your pēpi — to give a better understanding of the cause of death. It is done gently in a quiet room. More information will be provided to you if a postmortem is recommended.
As parents, in most cases, you have the final say whether this happens. You must sign a form giving your permission before it can begin. (The exception is when there is a coroner's enquiry — this will be fully explained if the situation arises.) There is no rush in making this decision.
Postmortem results are available to your hospital doctor within 8 to 10 weeks normally. A final report may take up to 12 weeks. You will be offered an appointment to talk with the obstetrician or paediatrician to discuss the findings. You can be given a copy of the report if you would like it.
Funerals and registration
A funeral is not a legal requirement, but a personal choice. You may choose to have a funeral to recognise the life of someone who has died. Your pēpi did have a life, however short. A formal goodbye can help us accept that someone we love has died.
Legal requirements
If your pēpi dies before 20 weeks of pregnancy (miscarriage) and weighs less than 400g, there is no legal requirement to register their birth or to bury them. You are still welcome to hold a funeral.
If your pēpi is stillborn after 20 weeks of pregnancy (or weighs more than 400g if the dates are uncertain), there is a legal requirement to:
- register their birth
- bury or cremate their body in an appropriate manner.
A medical certificate is completed at the hospital and will be given to you or your funeral director.
If your pēpi dies between birth and 28 days of age (neonatal death) you need to register their birth and death, and your pēpi must have a burial or cremation.
Your midwife or nurse can advise you of the steps that you need to take.
Registering a new baby and getting a birth certificate — New Zealand Government (external link)
Going home
Being home can make the reality of losing your pēpi hit hard. Take your time returning to usual routines — give yourself time to grieve.
Physical difficulties
Your breasts may fill with milk even if your pēpi was born very early. This discomfort lasts a couple of days and then gradually reduces as milk production ceases. Look after yourself by:
- wearing a comfortable, well-supported bra
- drinking your normal fluid intake
- applying ice or cold packs for 10 minutes, every 3 hours
- expressing just a little milk to ease the discomfort if you wish.
Breast care after baby loss (internal link)
You will have a vaginal discharge called lochia for approximately 4 weeks. Each day this should lessen and begin to appear brownish. If it continues to be heavy or there are any clots or you have abdominal pain, fever or a smelly discharge, call your midwife or healthcare provider.
Emotional difficulties
Denial, shock, guilt, anger, feelings of failure and helplessness are all normal feelings. It is important to maintain your nutrition and sleep, and work towards acceptance. This happens when your feelings of devastation turn to sadness, as you begin to recognise the loss and learn to live with it.
Facing the future
Time can be a great healer. You should notice the intensity of your feelings fading as you adjust to your loss. Most parents slowly come to feel it is right for them to try to enjoy life again.
You are likely to be changed in some way by this experience. It is important to recognise that you can remember, love and miss your pēpi without grieving continuously. You can go ahead in life without forgetting your past. It is important to remember:
- be patient with your partner and yourself
- put off big decisions for at least a year
- give yourself time to say goodbye to this pēpi before you think about having another
- losing a pēpi is incredibly difficult — for whānau as well
- everyone responds, grieves and recovers in different ways.